Desire to Dazzle

Katie here. 

After our first post I had this nagging, unrelenting feeling of concern. It's ironic because I desire, with all my heart, vulnerable and honest relationships... but it's the hardest darn thing to do! I open up with full force and often walk away wondering what others are thinking of my heart being tossed up and handed to them on a platter. But because it's difficult is the very reason I open this little heart of mine. Yup I'm gonna let it shine!

"Living out of the false self creates a compulsive desire to present a perfect image to the public so that everybody will admire us and nobody will know us." 

-Brennan Manning 

I have a compulsive desire to dazzle others and present a perfect image. However, I think we will never truly be known without a massive dose of vulnerability and an understanding of our acceptance and identity in Christ. Once we embrace our brokenness and fling open our hearts to receive grace, we can then push through the threshold of trying to portray perfection. Through blogging and chatting I want to fight the incessant desire to dazzle. I want to portray the unshakable truth that this whole life thing cannot be done apart from God's tremendous grace.  I am broken, sinful, and in desperate need of a Savior who makes all things new. So that's why Austin and I started this blog.  We want to share in the beautiful imperfections, all the while being swept away by a God whose grace sustains.

Me, Myself and I

We have been married 3 months and 19 days.

Wow.

Married life has been the most incredible experience, yet the most challenging obstacle I've overtaken. Austin and I waited a year and a half (literally, almost to the day) to get married. When I woke up on our wedding day, sun happily shining in my window, laying in bed with two of my favorite girls giggling with excitement, I felt ready (and I mean ready) to marry the man of my dreams. God exceeded my desires and gave me Austin and I promised Him I would care for the man entrusted to me.

However, what I didn't realize and didn't prepare for in my year and a half engagement was my selfishness.

I mean we studied marriage. How in the world was I not prepared? We were eager and excited to learn. And we did. We read countless books on marriage, listened to pod-casts, talked with various married couples, asked questions and exchanged hypothetical situations with each other and how we would handle them, and graduated from pre-marriage class with flying colors. We had all our bases covered. The basic "roles" were a no-brainer. We felt ready. I was confident in who I'd be as a wife. But, that's just it...I was confident in me, myself and I.

One thing I've learned throughout these past 3 months is that I cannot love Austin without being completely dependent on my Savior, who is the Author of love. The obstacles I've experienced are not because Austin is hard to live with or that I'm getting used to having a roommate or something silly like that. The obstacles are set in place because I've put them there. Me, myself and I have a selfishness problem and me, myself and I cannot rid me, myself and I of a selfishness problem without the overpowering, life changing love of a selfless God.

My heart is a constant battle ground. Jesus-in-me sometimes wins and other times I give way to my innate self-seeking desires. But the good news is: I married a man who is patient and serve a God who is gracious.

I realize now, 3 months and 19 days into marriage that I cannot rely on me, myself and I. Instead I put my confidence in the One who gave me my very breath, He who created marriage, He who gives me strength to love, serve, and care for my husband joyfully.

There it is. Bare-bones.